I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
