ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
