Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
