Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
