So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
