I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she told me i tasted like america
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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