Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
