Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
