Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
