my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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