the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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