dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So many bounce houses so little time
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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