i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
