your thong is hanging out like whoa
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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