True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
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john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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