my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
