were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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