The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
