If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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