Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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