Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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