Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
