You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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