barbara walters just said penis...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
