o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
