More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
