News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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