I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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