Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
