i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
