woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
