No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
