Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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