Your face is a jimmy john
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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