I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
