Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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