Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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