he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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