I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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