I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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