I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
