I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
