This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
