Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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