I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
