Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
