what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
