is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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