the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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