My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
