then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Don't make out with my wife yet
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
