my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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