I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
