this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
