Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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